Dear lovely ex-girl friend
This is a message, a long message. Read it when you have time for it.
I have tried many times to write you this, but words, time, courage maybe the three made me unable to do it.
Today is different. Today is the yesterday of tomorrow. And tomorrow I will leave. If I don’t write you now, I won’t write you anymore.
Yes, tomorrow is a big day. World tour. Scared ? Exited ? Both, I think it is normal.
Remember a long time ago, we planned together this huge trip, maybe the one of our life.
Can we be friend with our ex ?
You remember my opinion on this subject. Friendship cannot exist when you share so much with someone. You told me often than “no ! it is possible”. I think now you join my opinion. We cannot meet or try to see each other anymore, like friends would do.
I saw Paolo last week in Paris. He talked a bit about you and your trip in Europe. Funny (or not), it hurts me. He continues to talk one hour but I was just thinking about you all the time.
Last few days I have been in Wroclaw where Lucas makes his Erasmus. Good time as you know. But yesterday I met a German girl. Your double. God ! The same way to act, the same smile, the same crazy mood in party, the same way to dance (yes, that was a funny way !)
God why you do that to me ? Life is a bitch.
She came to talk with me. Few minutes later I said to her that I have to stop this conversation because it hurts me. I think she did not understand.
Yes, nine month later, I am still pregnant of our rupture. If I leave tomorrow, it is also to escape from you, from your ghost which is in my mind. Fucking ghost, go away ! I don’t wanna see you anymore !
The day when we broke up, I was so piss of. Maybe you don’t remember, maybe you do, but you told me what I call “the top 3”
3- I am tightwad (radin)
2- I am too skiny
1- I don’t have ambition for my life
Yes, not nice.
The same evening, I saw that girl. I did not hesitate...
Since that I met plenty of them, more than in 3 normal life. The idea, show to myself that no, I am not like you said, that it was just bullshit, some words of a girl who was not able to explain why she did not have love feelings anymore, one girl who believed in a love story and did not understand why it ended.
What did we do wrong ?
I asked myself several times this question. Few staff for sure. To come to NY and not do anything was wrong. No talk enough was wrong. Be all the time with you when you got away from your job was wrong. Not be myself was wrong.
You know, I write a journal quite often. In NY, few weeks before I left, I wrote this (it was in French) :
“Something is wrong. I am wrong. Move. Do something. But I stay here. I will stay until the end.”
I did not like NY. Life. People. Big cities are not for me. I like too much talk to unknown people who have time to do the same; I hate to much the metro life and its zombies.
And I did not like you in NY. How you act. How you change. The first Laura came back to me.
I felt in love with Laura, who hates politics (so much that she said to me that she wouldn’t like if I engage myself), who wanted to work in Africa, on the field, with children. Laura big heart.
In NY, I saw you, wanted to make your connection, went to reception, stay with people from UN because they were from UN and not because they were interesting. I even thought you have had your crash because he represents UN.
Power even corrupts big heart.
Then you explained me that you wanna stay there, that you wanna work in UN, in NY, even in office. That you wanna do Harvard, try everything to catch this dream, your new dream.
I was not part of your new dream. Thanks to you. I was in love with this Laura.
But God, how much I missed the one I felt in love with.
I think I missed more your friendship than anything else. I missed to talk to you, laugh with you, going out with you, travel with you.
Sex, love, I did not care anymore quickly. But all the other, it takes me all the time I felt alone. Ah, if Laura would be here….
Yes, with a lot of it, I can put Paris in a bottle.
You’re not here anymore. Well, this is not exact. You’re in my grand-parents place, in my godmother, even in my mother place. Stupid graduation ceremony !
You’re not here anymore, except in plenty of my computer’s pictures, in my Erasmus album (with few letters), in my Europe tour album, in Lucas room, even on my Wii (when my sisters played, sometimes the Wii says : Have you any news from Laura ? ah ! ) I still have a bit of your staff in my place, few letters, and the worst; I can see your name on my Facebook.
I put you away from my news feed, but still you appear in my friends. Still I can see that my sister likes one of your pictures (traitor ! ah ah !) I can see you’re on the chat (quick disconnect right now !) or on skype. It hurts.
That will change after this message. If that hurts me, I have to delete it. I have to delete you. It won’t change anything, we don’t have contact anymore. But it will help my heart.
How much time I need to be free of you ?
Well, French writer says that love last 3 years. I started to love during the spring 2009. It should end soon. Funny isn’t it, it took me a lot of time to appreciate you, more than you, and now I have so much difficulties to forget you, even with you “top 3” (yes, all the time I think about you, it end with your top 3, and then I don’t miss you anymore)
Why this stupid message you’re thinking ? Well, because it is the last one. I had few staff to say to you, now it will be done. I don’t want any answer, nothing. If we meet again, when I’ll be the Foreign French ministry , we will do like nothing happen, that “we” did not exist.
But we did. I’ll remember that all my life. And I hope you’ll remember that you have been loved. Yes, by a weird French guy. That you had an impossible story, because, like everybody says, distant relationship doesn’t work. It is not true. The proof is that we broke up because we were too much with each other in the big apple.
Few of my friends got pregnant. A kind of epidemic. And all the time they told me, all the time I think about myself, my life, you. Damn it, I wanna have children in some point. But before, I have to build something new, start from 0 with another girl, and walk on one way that I already passed with you.
Right now, my heart is not able to do it, he is not able to love anymore, he even thin that the love of a life don’t exist. My heart is broken. You took a part with you. Give it back to me !
No, objectively, I know that it will change, that I’ll fell in love again, maybe several times, and that I’ll even have children. I’m not in depression, pessimistic about the future or thinking about you every day. But when it is coming, there is no joke. And this message reflects all what is in my mind at this point.
I love, hate and miss you.